Is my faith enough?

Ever have something you’ve longed for your entire life, literally ripped right out of your hands? That’s basically what happened to me.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. From the time I was little, I would dream about what my child would look like. I’d think about art projects we’d do together. I’d day dream about taking them to the creek to catch crawdads or minnows. I’d picture what they would look like. I’d wonder if they would have my curly hair. Will it be red like mine was as a child? Or would they get the dark hair I have now? What color eyes will they have? All things I would ponder on, from time to time over the years.

Many years ago, I realized my dream of having a baby just wasn’t going to happen. I was diagnosed with a heart shaped uterus, and PCOS. My doctor straight out told me that I would probably never get pregnant unless it was a miracle from God. Okay, I can live with that, I thought… God opened the womb of several women in the bible. He can open mine!

Years go by – and nothing happens. No pregnancy, no baby. My husband and I spoke about adoption but the cost was just too much to absorb. We thought about going into foster care, but I was terrified they’d take a child whom i had fallen in love with away from me… and I just couldn’t’ handle that.

Til one day – when a friend called me and asked me if I would be interested in adopting a baby. I was shocked! I mean, who just calls someone out of the blue and asks them to adopt a baby. They baby wasn’t born yet and we had several months to prepare. We would be fostering this baby from the time it came home, until 6 months. After 6 months in our care, the state would allow us to adopt the infant.

We were given no other information really. Just that we were to prepare the room and they would call when the baby was born in late March or early April.

March comes. We have a crib and blankets and even some clothing. We don’t know the sex of the baby, so we don’t want to purchase too much. Then I get this nervous feeling in my gut. So I reach out to the friend to make sure everything is still on track… then I learn something devastating – the mom had lost the baby.

I had been trying to prepare myself, just in case they decided they wanted another family… but this, I was not prepared for.

I felt lost. Like I was drowning in the ocean and no one would help me. I was screaming at the top of my lungs on a street corner, surrounded by people who just walked by. There was no source of support or help. I just wanted help. I wanted someone to save my baby.

I cried. I cried a lot. Even when there were no tears, my soul was still crying. I knew my faith wasn’t strong enough and I cried even more. How can you prepare for something like this? How can you build your faith to where a tragic hit to your life doesn’t affect you?

The answer is, or at least for me… that you can’t. Yes, you can be strong in faith that God has something amazing planned for your life. That He will move mountains for you. But when faced with tragedy, it’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to even be angry.

We must always seek HIS will in every situation. If we are praying something that is not in His will, we will always be disappointed. God is not like a genie in a bottle or Santa, where we make a wish list and He fulfills it. We must pray for His will to happen in our life. And sometimes (or more often than not in my life), God’s will doesn’t line-up with your own personal plan.

You keep him in perfect peace
    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you. –Isaiah 26:3

If we keep our mind fixed on Him, He will keep us at perfect peace. With life’s trials, its sometimes difficult to focus on Him. Its like there is a fog that surrounds us and we are trying to see through a thick fog, without proper lighting. But, if we just keep moving through the fog, we will eventually break through and be able to once again focus on the King.

Am I still sad? Yes, but I know that God has a plan to work this for the good. And I will remain fixed on Him.


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